Chronic Chronophobia
I can’t say that I have seen much to laugh at these days. Can’t even say I have laughed properly in a while. But fuck me, it’s you that’s important. So. Lets do this.
Time. I’m not going to get all nerdy physics on you about how its all subjective or something. That would make you switch off, unless your some sort or egg-headed mentalisimo and like to to suduko while you shit. If you do this, seek help.
The next time someone says “you got a minute?” refer them here, because you really don’t. You probably don’t lead a very busy life. Full time education? A job? A family? Well that probably takes a lot of your time but you always find time to watch a sport on TV or something. Maybe you go to the pub or make model planes. Seriously, whatever it’s your life.
You do your job, your weirdo hobbies (blatantly the model planes) and some light rounds of celebratory masturbation when your team wins the football or you finally finished that suduko you’ve been working on for 50 shits. (seek help) What else is there time for? well, lets find out.
You will live for 80 years and you do fuck all for the first 10. That’s 70 years left.
12.5% of your life gone so far.
You sleep for 8 hours a day, if long teenage sleeps and tiny old age sleeps average out. That’s 33.3% of your life sleeping.
45.8% gone already
You work or learn for a pittance or beans or something, this takes you 8 hours a day probably. Another 33.3% gone. Poof
That is 79.1% of your life gone so far.
How long does it take you to eat? Breakfast, 10 mins. Lunch 20 mins (presuming you have friends and don’t like indigestion) Dinner 30mins providing you have friends or family to talk to. That’s 1 hour on eating. 4.2% of your life
83.3% dissapeared
Do you watch TV? I bet you do, everybody does it. How long is it a day? Will you admit? will you even bother to think about for risk of the guilt? You know its far too long. Lets just call it another hour a day. 4.2%
87.5% its racking up now
You must shit. And piss presumably. Where else do you find time for suduko? (seek help) A piss should take 5 mins. Time to get to the toilet and back. Think this is too long? Then wash your hands. Scab. 5 piss breaks a day on average. Remember you have to go more as you get old. How long does a poo take? 10 mins? once a day? like clockwork? overall 2.4%
89.9% gone already and none of the fun stuff.
Pub on a Friday night? 2 hours? 1.8%
Lie in on a Sunday? 1%
You you have a life partner? Do you spend any quality time? Or are you a loner spending time with you ‘right hand’ man? Half hour a day with the one you love? On 10mins - 20mins wanking and Xbox? 2.1%
WOW 94.7% of your life gone
Need some alone time, its not selfish, it’s probably the only normal thing about you. 1.8%
You must have a holiday 12 days away? 3.3%
Right that’s 99.9% of your whole life gone.
You could either round that up and say “well, at least it’s nice to know”
OR
You could take your 3 and a half weeks of free time and enjoy yourself. Because that’s the shit storm. In your whole life. 80 years, maybe more. You get 3 and a bit weeks to yourself. Be selfish. Enjoy them. Whatever you do don’t fritter them away.
So when someone asks you. “Got a minute?” and you know he really means 5 you can say FUCK OFF. Why the hell should I give you any? I did some fancy calculator stuff and the answer is no. I can’t spare it. I have 86 seconds of free time a day. Giving you 30 is being fucking generous.
