Diary of a Deipnosophist

blogcerberus asked: WHERE IS YOUR FACE? WHOS THE ANONYMUS ONE NOW? WHAT IS USEFUL ABOUT TELLING ME I NEED TO BE MORE LIKE YOU? YOU USE BIG WORDS SO YOU SEEM BIG I SAY WHAT I MEAN. I DONT NEED YOU TO TELL ME TO REACH OUT TO DEAF PEOPLE I PREY FOR THE HOMELESS AND I PAY TAXES SO THEY CAN BUY POT AND SIT ON THEIR ASSES

Lets answer your questions first:

My face is on the front of my skull, just where it has always been.

I’m not sure who the anonymous one is, it’s not me and it’s clearly not you. Andy McNab perhaps?

Good god, I wouldn’t wish anybody was more like me. What use would that be? We need a range of people in the world to make it function. Every tier of society is important along with every person.

I like my words, some of them are big, yes. I however do not think that it makes me “BIG”. I would say it makes me articulate.

If you don’t need me to tell you to reach out to deaf people then it means you already are. A big thank you from me and my deaf friends. Many of them, along with myself, would like to shake your hand for doing such a noble thing.

I’m very glad that you pay your taxes as it is a legal and moral obligation. Without taxes, the world would stop.

I didn’t quite catch the meaning of the last part of your message, I assume it means that you do some sort of work at a shelter for homeless people. Again a very noble activity. A big thank you from me and the rest of humanity.

You are a very angry person. However, directing your hate at me will get you nowhere. If you don’t need me telling you anything, I suggest that you stop reading my blog. I am touched, that even though you hate the subject matter, the writing keeps you engaged and coming back for more.

I look forward to the day you muster the courage to write your own blog for others to critique. When the day arrives I will be an avid reader because your heart seems to be in the right place.

The Unassuming Ones

I was sitting infront of my computer putting a fresh edge on my axe, as you do, I started thinking about social divides.

I’m not talking wealth or anything just the nature of groups in schools and colleges. They are like the small variations in species observed by Charles Darwin. Each group has it’s own set of rules, jokes and a rough hierarchy. Most importantly each group is pretty much cut-off from each other group and this causes some massive fluctuation in what people think is normal. One could quite easily see oneself in many classes, talking to many people but still not becoming privy to the info that matters about them and their group.

This is how you get those small groups that study hard, get good results and go absolutely mental when they are left alone with a drink. A bit like gremlins. You give them a drink after dark and they will run around in the darkness with no clothes on, wee on the front glass of ‘Marks and Spencer’ and throw up on the conductor on the 12:10am to London Vic. Then they will somehow get back for 8:45 the next day and get an A* in their Maths exam. What surprises us is that they just don’t fit to the semitropical archetype of ‘good grade kid’. 

My theory about this behaviour is that these groups, all existing separately, do exude some stories. Only the juiciest of stories get murmured around, often exaggerated. However if one was engrossed in their studies and only loosely attached to the real world they could easily accept these stories as the normal. The media doesn’t help either, you don’t hear much about David. Nobody knows him because he is a desk analyst and a boring person. All we hear about is Charlie Sheen and his drug-addled antics. If the media was a fair representation of all lifestyles and not just the interesting ones then we might get less people following them.

So basically the “Paralytic-Professor” theory, as its called, boils down to distorted information chains and the Bio-Balance phenomenon. This basically says that no matter what our concious idea of the norm is; our subconsciousness knows the true norm and causes us to do crazy things sometimes just to make sure weaverage out somewhere near it. 

So remember, let yourself go in moderation often. Otherwise you will find yourself 10 years down the line with so much bottled up crazy that your subconsciousness forces you to murder a policeman just to average yourself back to the normal. Partying hard is a moral obligation.

Essential Ingredients

I was in the shower the other day, this is not the rarity people would have you believe however. I was reading the back of my shower gel while gently forming a lather on my chest with my other hand. There was something slightly wrong with the writing on the bottle, It hung in my mind as I rinsed and repeated. As I was gently dabbing the water from my flawless body it struck me. Essential oils. The bottle said it contained essential oils.

Now, it didn’t say what they were essential for. Shower gel has only one function, to clean dirt from my body. I was glad that this product contained the essential oils because by definition, these oils were vitally necessary. Necessary to the cleaning process one assumes. This company thought the fact that their product contained vitally necessary ingredients was worth advertising. This lead me to think that it was unusual. Why don’t other cleaning products contain these essential oils? When I buy other brands of shower gel am I being diddled? or am I buying a product that is lying to me, that these oils are not vitally necessary.

I would like to clear this issue up with before I start to solve the “3x Triple Protection” conundrum.