Diary of a Deipnosophist

The Valentine Verecund

So full of commercialism we are that we invent holidays that make people feel bad on a regular basis. That’s right deary, it’s another clichéd valentines rant, published under the impression my opinion means anything at all to you.

I have nothing against love and I think it is something that deserves celebrating. However, love is a personal thing and should be celebrated in a personal way. It makes me wonder, whoever turned this day commercial, did they mean to make it horribly alienating? 

All valentines day serves to do is open wounds and deflate confidence. It puts strain on existing relationships by forcing you to make a bigger effort. What use could that be, except amplifying how much you are not trying the rest of the time. 

These couples always existed, but with the heightened romantic vibe they are far more noticeable. suddenly you realise, I’m alone, I’m in the minority.

We are born alone, we die alone. Clearly for some, there is nobody in-between.

Chronic Chronophobia

I can’t say that I have seen much to laugh at these days. Can’t even say I have laughed properly in a while. But fuck me, it’s you that’s important. So. Lets do this.

Time. I’m not going to get all nerdy physics on you about how its all subjective or something. That would make you switch off, unless your some sort or egg-headed mentalisimo and like to to suduko while you shit. If you do this, seek help. 

The next time someone says “you got a minute?” refer them here, because you really don’t. You probably don’t lead a very busy life. Full time education? A job? A family? Well that probably takes a lot of your time but you always find time to watch a sport on TV or something. Maybe you go to the pub or make model planes. Seriously, whatever it’s your life.

You do your job, your weirdo hobbies (blatantly the model planes) and some light rounds of celebratory masturbation when your team wins the football or you finally finished that suduko you’ve been working on for 50 shits. (seek help) What else is there time for? well, lets find out.

You will live for 80 years and you do fuck all for the first 10. That’s 70 years left.

12.5% of your life gone so far.

You sleep for 8 hours a day, if long teenage sleeps and tiny old age sleeps average out. That’s 33.3% of your life sleeping.

45.8% gone already

You work or learn for a pittance or beans or something, this takes you 8 hours a day probably. Another 33.3% gone. Poof

That is 79.1% of your life gone so far.

How long does it take you to eat? Breakfast, 10 mins. Lunch 20 mins (presuming you have friends and don’t like indigestion) Dinner 30mins providing you have friends or family to talk to. That’s 1 hour on eating. 4.2% of your life

83.3% dissapeared

Do you watch TV? I bet you do, everybody does it. How long is it a day? Will you admit? will you even bother to think about for risk of the guilt? You know its far too long. Lets just call it another hour a day. 4.2%

87.5% its racking up now

You must shit. And piss presumably. Where else do you find time for suduko?   (seek help) A piss should take 5 mins. Time to get to the toilet and back. Think this is too long? Then wash your hands. Scab. 5 piss breaks a day on average. Remember you have to go more as you get old. How long does a poo take? 10 mins? once a day? like clockwork? overall 2.4%

89.9% gone already and none of the fun stuff.

Pub on a Friday night? 2 hours? 1.8%

Lie in on a Sunday? 1%

You you have a life partner? Do you spend any quality time? Or are you a loner spending time with you ‘right hand’ man? Half hour a day with the one you love? On 10mins - 20mins wanking and Xbox? 2.1%

WOW 94.7% of your life gone

Need some alone time, its not selfish, it’s probably the only normal thing about you. 1.8%

You must have a holiday 12 days away? 3.3%

Right that’s 99.9% of your whole life gone.

You could either round that up and say “well, at least it’s nice to know”

OR

You could take your 3 and a half weeks of free time and enjoy yourself. Because that’s the shit storm. In your whole life. 80 years, maybe more. You get 3 and a bit weeks to yourself. Be selfish. Enjoy them. Whatever you do don’t fritter them away.

So when someone asks you. “Got a minute?” and you know he really means 5 you can say FUCK OFF. Why the hell should I give you any? I did some fancy calculator stuff and the answer is no. I can’t spare it. I have 86 seconds of free time a day. Giving you 30 is being fucking generous.

Acronychal Austria

The preperation for my perambulation my “preambulation” i did a weeks camping in Italy. You would be forgiven if you thought that it does not sound particularly taxing, you would be forgiven but WRONG. Its was in essence altitude training. We did rock climbing and walking at over 3000m and i dont think we were ever below 1500m. Things are different up there, there is much less oxygen and the occasional positron. Although the latter does not effect me directly the lack of oxygen does. You would be supprised how little exercise it takes to puff you out. I came to the conclusion the second day that a man had come in the night and misappropriated my fitness. This, i knew, was the start of the madness. I say the start because from this moment is made some seemingly deranged descisions.

On more than one occasion i chose to do the harder of the two activities on offer. The hardest of these will be put to shame in the second week but i am blissfully unaware of this. The Italians invented some sort of death-trap physical torture call Via-Ferrata. Its climbing, normal climbing but you clipped into a wire that’s attached to the rock. I call it a death-trap because you can allways fall about 2m. If this doesn’t seem like alot i would like to invite you to SHIT OFF and jump out a second story window.

You may be thinking “Yeah, but the weather was nice”, in response to that i cant stress how much you should PIPE DOWN and BACK OFF. The weather was the most changeable thing. The first day was lovely and sunny, so was the second. The third day snowed then the fourth rained. The rest were something but i forget what.

That brings me to the half way point NOT the interval if you get up to get a drink now dont come back, i will be deeply hurt.

Although my expodition in Austria was very hard, it was, at the same time, very easy. This is simple because it is easy to do anything when you’re promised a bed, a warm meal and a pint at the end of the day. The warm meals were some of the best I have ever had on a holiday. Maybe I’m just saying that because I can’t remeber any other holiday food but it think it was genuinly good. The days were long and filled with cows and crystal clear streams.

The streams were quite literally a life saver, something you could drink from and dip your burning feet in, just be carefull what order you do these things in. The water was bottled water quality and ice cold. This meant that we didnt have to carry more than 1 litre of water at any point. Water is heavy and when your bad alreay weighs 15Kg you don’t want another Kg of water on that aswell!

The hardest day was 12 hours of walking and ended in a much needed pint, pizza and night in a hotel. If you think that we shouldnt have used a hotel during an expodition, that it is in some way cheating I suggest you go to that town and find somewhere else to sleep! After my excersions abroad i lost alot of weight which I have, no doubt, piled back on since returning.

Weekend in the Country

Whats better than a cracking weekend camping in the country? A week, perhaps. Maybe even a week in Italy then some more in Austria… but i get ahead of myself.

My weekend started with me passing up an invite to a party and traveling to Stedham to help put up tents. At the time this seemed to smack of complacency but in retrospect was a wise and brilliant choice. As i arrive at this campsite i smile as if i’m meeting an old, dear friend. For like an old friend it felt instantly welcoming and was more fun than you had remebered. After pitching my tent and eating a working-class dinner of assorted deep-fried root vegetables the others arrived.

Rain, Rain, Everywhere… I got fucking soaked. The first evening was a wet one. The sky didn’t even have the courtsy of dumping all its water at once. It thought it would be more fun to drop it all slowly, like a window-licking dribbler.

Saturday morning was like every morning. I woke with the sudden, all consuming panic i was being smothered. This generally lasts untill i have worked out that I’m face down and haven’t taken any medication yet. Once this is sorted and i can breath i get out of my tent with the emense feeling that it was gunna be a belter. How right i was.

Archery and blind trails; what a laugh! I must say that nothing can beat the sound of a perfectly aimed arrow thudding into the golden bulls-eye, except, maybe that of Liam Floyd smacking his head on a tree whilst blindfolded, CLONK. For those of you who have never done a blind trail, its a laugh, much in the same way running into a wall repetedly untill you lose your vison just sometimes seems like the best idea in the world. I must interject at this point to say that nothing can make you feel quite as manly as kicking down a tree then clefting another in twain with a concealed hatched. Saturday night was the best night out of all of them (fifty-fifty chance). Sitting in the porch of my tent with a nipperkin of rum and enough good company to rival Dennis Quaid and Topher Grace (Film reference for those still to upgrade from radio)

Sunday was a marble cake of a day, it was the goodness of a now well-knitted group of friends larking around together and the sadness of having to leave it all behind, all swirled up and cooked at gas 4 for 35mins. After throwing myself round a lowropes course and setting, what i thought was, a ruddy good time and having it smashed several times by a few different people i thought i would resign myself to the enevitable extraction from this perfect bubble of serenity. I left in good spirits knowing that hopefully it will all be happening again next year and maybe for far far longer :)